my phone needs a breathalizer
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
