is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
