you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize