you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize