I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
