Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
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