On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
