White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize