They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
