Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Your shirt... Was in my pants
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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