Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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