note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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