Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
