He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
