My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
