I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
