My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
