This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Randomize
