We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Randomize
