I will die if light touches me.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
