If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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