Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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