you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
