What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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