i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
