you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
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