the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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