# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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