I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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