The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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