how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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