Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
