my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
