I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
