remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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