i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
