Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
