Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Redeem this text for a blowjob
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
