Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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