when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
