is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
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