Im at strip club and am horny
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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