And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
We had to coat check the pizza.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
