i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
