I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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