My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
