I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Randomize
