cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
