No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I just forgot I was standing up.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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