I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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