And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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