I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
This baby is an asshole
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
