I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Randomize
