Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
