I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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