I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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