At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
that's an acceptable place to lick
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
