I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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